Hmph

On my way home this evening, I was trying to figure out how to start another post, wondering why I've been having trouble writing lately. I came to an oversimplified conclusion that revolves around the fact that my once fluid writing was mostly concerned with two things. Drug trips, and adventures. Let's call them drugventures. Theses are much easier to write about than why I'm having trouble succeeding in any aspect of my life. (That was a blatant exaggeration, but the point is the same. I have simply been having trouble beginning new relationships of any kind)

I have come to several conclusions today. The first of which took place today during my personality class, where I learned many things. I learned about certain kinds of attatchments today from a psychologist that worked very closely with Freud. A very wise man that taught me that I'm either an avoidance-attatchment individual who's relationships are filled with extreme highs and lows with a lack of trust.... The other is eluding me at the moment but involves an ease at falling in love with a lack of belief in the commonness of real, true love. Part bull shit, part hard hitting. Mostly, I learned that some of my inability to have a meaningful relationship at this moment in my life stems from an inconsistent caregiver. Or, in my case caregivers. My mistake I guess.

Another massive issue that's been chewing up much of my positive energy is this damned Tess situation. I just don't know what to do with myself. I love her, this much I'm sure of. Part of why stems from my nature as a nurturer (funny words together), she is someone whom I believe needs nurturing. I believe she's someone who'll be there when I need her and let me be when I must, among other things; me. I feel stupid for caring for someone that's so damned far away. I meet women on a daily basis that I'm on some level interested in that are clearly interested in me. However, I shun them aside because of Tess. But, her inconsistency in terms of being there when I need her, seems to be continueing the cycle of caregiver/me interactions. But, that's not necessarily a bad thing, becuase ... yet again, more nurturing. Helping one another. Helping ourselves. I think we'd help one another to grow and change, but as I write that, I feel like I might be investing too much and scaring her just by thinking this.

I am Brandon's inflated sense of paranoia.

I don't think I smiled today. That's a scary thought, but I've learned that it's not about being happy all the time, it's about learning from the sad moments in your life. A circle is perfect, but the earth isn't round. Life is a spiral that's always heading upwards, with each detour from your path pulling itself back in with knowledge and learning. So long as I learn from something, I don't see anything as a bad experience, but I sure as fuck am not enjoying this period in my life. Indecisiveness sucks ass.

We are Brandon's fingers, and we're done for now. Much better.