Letter A. This's gonna be hard. And, not hard.

Dear Tess,

Those are words I thought I would never write. The reasons even I don't know. The paper (and the keyboard) pull the truth from me. So much power.

I started writing this while high on A line on my mother and father's porch area. Somewhere I know you've been. I love you, keep this in mind as you read. I truly, fully hate that I love you, somehow. You needed me. Note the underline.



What do I want to say. The love that I have felt for you has stood many tests. The test of time, the test of relationships, the test of distance, relationships, logic, and so on.

Unfortunately, my steam has run out-ish, so I'll try and make this quick.

In the nude, with a candle burning to my left I try to put into words thoughts, thoughts and emotions. Not an easy task.. Our situation was different. It was meant to be all that to people's bond could be, all that one never could be. And, that's exactly what it ended up being. All that never could be. Perhaps that was the attraction for both of us. My eyes are blurred, I'm listening to Neil Young. He's pretty kickass.

I thought for-ever that I couldn't live without you. Lately I've realized that I always have been. Hmph.

There will always be a spot for you in my van. Unfortunately, sleep wins. For me anyway. I truly hope you're okay. If not now, then someday. I wrote out a cd for you. Not cool.

I'm very angry with myself that this didn't go longer than it did, but I've run out of things to say.

My upbringing was a sort of mixed bag from caregivers. Near overcare from my mother and none from my father. You kind of fit that bill. Very there sometimes and impossible to reach others. I don't need that. In fact, it makes me hurt. From my face to my soul (feet, haha?). Wish me luck. Find yourself. Somewhere.

Love,
Brandon

Hmph

On my way home this evening, I was trying to figure out how to start another post, wondering why I've been having trouble writing lately. I came to an oversimplified conclusion that revolves around the fact that my once fluid writing was mostly concerned with two things. Drug trips, and adventures. Let's call them drugventures. Theses are much easier to write about than why I'm having trouble succeeding in any aspect of my life. (That was a blatant exaggeration, but the point is the same. I have simply been having trouble beginning new relationships of any kind)

I have come to several conclusions today. The first of which took place today during my personality class, where I learned many things. I learned about certain kinds of attatchments today from a psychologist that worked very closely with Freud. A very wise man that taught me that I'm either an avoidance-attatchment individual who's relationships are filled with extreme highs and lows with a lack of trust.... The other is eluding me at the moment but involves an ease at falling in love with a lack of belief in the commonness of real, true love. Part bull shit, part hard hitting. Mostly, I learned that some of my inability to have a meaningful relationship at this moment in my life stems from an inconsistent caregiver. Or, in my case caregivers. My mistake I guess.

Another massive issue that's been chewing up much of my positive energy is this damned Tess situation. I just don't know what to do with myself. I love her, this much I'm sure of. Part of why stems from my nature as a nurturer (funny words together), she is someone whom I believe needs nurturing. I believe she's someone who'll be there when I need her and let me be when I must, among other things; me. I feel stupid for caring for someone that's so damned far away. I meet women on a daily basis that I'm on some level interested in that are clearly interested in me. However, I shun them aside because of Tess. But, her inconsistency in terms of being there when I need her, seems to be continueing the cycle of caregiver/me interactions. But, that's not necessarily a bad thing, becuase ... yet again, more nurturing. Helping one another. Helping ourselves. I think we'd help one another to grow and change, but as I write that, I feel like I might be investing too much and scaring her just by thinking this.

I am Brandon's inflated sense of paranoia.

I don't think I smiled today. That's a scary thought, but I've learned that it's not about being happy all the time, it's about learning from the sad moments in your life. A circle is perfect, but the earth isn't round. Life is a spiral that's always heading upwards, with each detour from your path pulling itself back in with knowledge and learning. So long as I learn from something, I don't see anything as a bad experience, but I sure as fuck am not enjoying this period in my life. Indecisiveness sucks ass.

We are Brandon's fingers, and we're done for now. Much better.

Good Morning Dave.

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of sadnaess surrounding me.

Up to this moment in my day I can't still place it. It, I believe, primarily revolves around the fact that I'm incapable of dealing with the women in my life. Dealing was the wrong word. I'm incapable of many things. One of which, in my opinion, is not being able to be friends with a woman anymore. I feel that every move is romantically centerred and read too far into everything. By the same token, I don't want to get into any sort of relationship where there's any sort of certainty for a future becuase of one in Prince George. Whom I can't get ahold of and am supposed to be going to see in a couple months.

Further complicating this process is the fact that I'm nearly twenty-two years old. I'm lonely as fuck and am self destructing via relationship destruction. My friends are drifting away leaving me more and more time to myself, which is never nice. Guess I can just.... Cope.

Brandon is...

Not sure what the fuck he is doing. This is mostly a note to himself. Write tomorrow.

Poems From Shambhala

I'm not as crazy as I appear. I can't believe I wrote that.

While in line, shortly after a ripper of a terrible drug:

puking

passing parts of me

through my gaping mouth

i realize the errors of myselves

also truths

free am I

In the tent at the end of the Wednesday? Thursday? I don't know. The first night anyway.

paranoia my old friend

well, welcome

fear is something

everything is nothing

After I'd come down from the unspeakable drug that I wish I never tried, and am glad I did. This is one of my favorites. Hopeful in a way.

dark at camp

a time to reflect

ponder

wonder

hope

reaching forward, looking back

through the glass I see myself

not myself

another me

Back again

hear the cries

I'm just gonna put my favorites down

walking down the darkened path

I had a lot to say

too fuckin tired

hittin the hay

tomorrow's a new day, hooray!

in scribbled handwriting

ketamine rants

world aspin

darkness comes

BORN AGAIN

A man walks by in a green top

among the tents, I'm no one

we are the same

I walk past a man in a tent

To live without food

to dream without sleep

we don't wanna frolic

we just want to enjoy the earth

shambhala

expand your mind

and your legs

greg, in reference to... nevermind

if you dipped your dick in hard glue

stuck glass to it

then fucked your nose with it

that's how snorting a green sweet tart would feel

you'd be fucked up

MORE TO COME